||In My Scratchy Tone||

It’s like I was waiting. My spirit was yearning, impatiently, for Jesus to meet me and romance me like He had in the past. To let me experience more of those unquestionable moments when there's no other explanation other than, Jesus is real. Because as I stood on a piece of land in east Africa listening to worship music, I knew again, that all I ever needed was Him.

Something I’ve really missed in the west is concerts. More specifically worship concerts. One of my greatest joys is being in a room, full of strangers and knowing most everyone gathered there to worship Jesus. Seeing the Spirit sing through anointed worship leaders whose’ music encourages and inspires me daily.

It’s a taste of heaven.

As someone whose heart loves to worship in an atmosphere with dim lights and a sound system that carry’s you away, I must admit my first few months here, getting use to more acapella was challenging. The wow factor that lead me into the throne room so easily was missing. I worshiped but not fully. “Just hold out until your back in the states” I would tell myself, “you’ll get that Holy Spirit high again one day”. And singing in Swahili was more of me trying to hear the sounds of words rather than knowing what I was actually saying. But a year was too long to meet with the King in ways I knew I could

So, I processed it. I was honest about it. And my heart grew desperate.

And God didn’t leave me. He gave me a curiosity to learn the language and know the words I was singing. He graciously allowed me to be on the worship team of an international church.

I started to listen. And when I would be in worship that was only Swahili, my heart slowly responded. My posture changed, eyes closed and I stopped resisting.

In worship on Sundays I stopped comparing. I stopped thinking about the way my face looked if I opened my mouth wider to get the right note and just let it do its thing. My fear of man dimmed a little and God gave me a new boldness in leading rather than sticking to the familiarity of harmonies. 

Today, He took me on a rainy day walk around the Wild Hope land and as I worshiped Him with my head phones in, He gave me a concert.

His nearness was unreal and (though I’ve been sick for the past few days) I sang in my scratchy tone as loud as I could. The night was coming in fast with water filled clouds and no one was close enough to hear, only God.

All this to say, God is gracious in pointing out my faults and parts of me that I don’t even know about. I didn’t know I was dependent on atmosphere to enter His presence until I moved here.

And as one of my friends would always say, when I talked with her about my short comings, “that’s ok”. 

Because when you’re willing to let God mold you, He will.

And now coming out of it I’m thankful for being able to feel his nearness in a different culture, different setting, with strangers who love Jesus. Strangers who worship the same God. All of us being able to enjoy the depth He takes us to.

Happy May 1^st

-DG